When we’re in the throes of grief, it’s easy to become our own harshest critics. We tell ourselves we should be “stronger” or “better” by now, that we should be able to move forward more quickly, that we shouldn’t still be feeling so lost, so sad, so overwhelmed. But these expectations are not only unfair—they’re impossible. Grief isn’t something we can measure or put on a timeline. It’s not a task to be completed or a mountain to be climbed. It’s a deeply personal, ever-evolving journey, and the first step towards healing is practicing self-compassion.
Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations: We live in a world that often pressures us to “get over” our pain and return to normal as quickly as possible. But grief doesn’t adhere to anyone’s timeline. It’s not a linear process; it ebbs and flows. Some days might feel more manageable, while others hit you with the force of the first day of loss all over again. Expecting yourself to be “over it” or to have reached a certain level of “strength” by now only adds to your burden. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to still be struggling, even months or years after a loss. Healing takes time, and it’s different for everyone.
Being Your Own Friend: Imagine if a dear friend came to you, brokenhearted and exhausted, feeling like they should be “better” by now. Would you judge them? Would you tell them to “move on” or “be stronger”? Of course not. You would hold them close, offer words of comfort, and remind them that it’s okay to feel exactly as they do. Now, try to extend that same kindness and compassion to yourself. Be your own friend at this moment. Speak to yourself with the same gentleness and understanding you would offer to someone you love. You deserve that same care and empathy.
Allowing Yourself to Feel: Grief is messy and unpredictable. It comes in waves, often when you least expect it. One moment you might feel like you’re managing okay, and the next, you’re overwhelmed with sadness, anger, or guilt. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment. It’s not about wallowing or getting stuck in your grief; it’s about giving yourself the space to experience your emotions fully so that they can move through you. Suppressing or denying your feelings only prolongs the pain. Let yourself cry, let yourself rest, let yourself just be. There is strength in allowing yourself to be vulnerable and human.
Finding Moments of Rest: Grieving takes an enormous amount of energy. It’s not just emotional work; it’s physical work, too. Your body and mind are processing a tremendous amount of stress, and it’s exhausting. Self-compassion means recognizing this and giving yourself permission to rest. Rest is not a sign of weakness or laziness; it’s an essential part of healing. Create moments in your day where you can simply breathe and recharge. Whether it’s a few quiet minutes with a cup of tea, a walk in nature, or a nap, these small acts of self-care are vital.
Releasing the Need for Perfection: One of the hardest things about grief is feeling like you’re not doing it “right.” Maybe you think you should be grieving in a different way or that your grief should look a certain way by now. But there’s no perfect way to grieve. Your grief is unique to you, and how you experience it is perfectly valid. Let go of the idea that you need to have it all together or that there’s a specific way you should be healing. The only right way to grieve is the way that feels right for you.
Recognizing Your Courage:It takes immense courage to face each day when you’re grieving. It takes strength to get out of bed, to go through the motions, to carry on with life when a part of you feels like it’s missing. Remember this: you are incredibly brave. Every tear, every moment of vulnerability, every time you allow yourself to feel instead of pushing it away—that is courage. You’re doing the best you can in a situation that feels unbearable, and that is more than enough.
Accepting Where You Are: Healing is not about erasing the pain or forgetting the loss; it’s about finding a way to live alongside it. It’s about accepting where you are in this moment, without rushing yourself to be somewhere else. Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are right now. If you’re still grieving deeply, that’s okay. If you’re finding moments of peace, that’s okay too. Every part of this journey is valid.
Offering Yourself Grace: Above all, give yourself grace. Grace to make mistakes, grace to feel lost, grace to not have all the answers. Grief is one of the hardest experiences we face in life, and there is no handbook or map to guide us through it. It’s okay to stumble, to fall apart, to feel like you’re not moving forward. Offer yourself the same grace you would offer to others. You’re not expected to be perfect; you’re expected to be human.
Self-compassion is the cornerstone of healing. It’s a gentle reminder that you’re worthy of love and care, especially from yourself. As you navigate this path, remember to treat yourself with the kindness and patience you so deserve. You’re walking through one of the most challenging experiences of life, and you’re doing it with incredible strength. You are enough, exactly as you are, in every moment of this journey.
“Self-compassion is like a muscle. The more we practice flexing it, especially when life doesn’t go exactly according to plan (a frequent scenario for most of us), the stronger and more resilient our compassion muscle becomes.”
– Sharon Salzberg
